Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I’m having an out of money experience.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes