Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
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Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I found your tweet-up…
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.