*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.