@robfee: Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won't open.

@JKickinit30: *takes big toke of joint* Waitress: Sir... that's a burrito.

@Sarcasticsapien: I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you're making an offer.

@koalaslament: I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

@topaz_kell: Gonorrhea is the name of the medication used to treat diarrhea, right?