@slimmy_shady: *too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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@JohnFugelsang: My favorite Bible story is when Jesus feeds the multitudes after administering a drug test to make sure they deserve food.
@JordanPeele: I've been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she "can't survive on dry land."
@stephenjmolloy: Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.
@JaneBadall: I always leave the room when my son's imaginary friend comes to play. I've seen 'The Sixth Sense' and frankly, I'm not taking any chances.