*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”