Flock of bats
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Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”