@RamblingMachine: Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where's the logic?
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@murrman5: [to snake at news station] you can't do weather anymore "ssswhy not?" are we getting rain tomorrow? "sssno" do you see how that's confusing?
@graceful_asfuck: Her: you take nice selfies Me: so I'm vain Her: no you're photogenic Me: oh so I'm ugly in real life Her: just say thanks Me: oh so I'm rude
@AnOrangeSNES: Please follow the instructions 1) Read all instructions 2) Sacrifice a goat 3) Cut off your fingers 4) Eat glass 5) Only do number one
@scorpicpanda: Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits. JK. He was like, "I wanna marry you." And I was like, "K."