Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
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My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.