watergate? u mean a dam??
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
This kid will have a bright future.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.