too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
You Might Also Like
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.