@illiter8too: Took a decongestant and now I can smell time.
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@abbycohenwl: Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby? Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
@Tmoney68: Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
@slimmy_shady: [wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!