me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*