Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂