took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe