@OBiiieeee: Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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@Brampersandon_: FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon ME (after hearing there's a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
@Reverend_Scott: We need a ride home. "I called a Gruber" Don't you mean an Uber? [villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
@MikeBigby: *Belle falls in love with Beast* Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it! *Belle speaks to furniture* Everyone: this is fine
@markedly: BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card ME: How'd you know it wasn't me B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try M: Dear god