Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed