@OBiiieeee: Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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@PaperWash: Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
@geowizzacist: My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.
@TheKrisWilson: Considering "Thank You" cards are a thing, I'm going to invent "No, thank YOU!" cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
@jonnysun: CANADIAN: im a canadian DATE: cool i've never met a comedian befor CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]