@OBiiieeee: Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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@Pro_Jones_: Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* "sketchy". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
@Dutch_50: A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
@BromanConsul: "Is your refrigerator running?" "Hasn't decided yet," I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A "FRIDGE 2016" banner hangs above him