Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
ACED my prostate exam!
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
🤭😂