Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case