Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Got ya covered
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.