@Brianhopecomedy: Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Capitalism is controlled by an "invisible hand" that gives most people the invisible finger.
@aneesa_p: *eats a bag of chips* *eats 2 baked potatoes* *eats a plate of fries* *eats a plate of mashed potatoes* Being a vegetarian is easy!
@thenatewolf: *A coyote bites my leg in front of a girl I like but I wanna seem cool so I just keep walking and take it with me*
@causticbob: My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, "Who else would I cheat on?"