@Brianhopecomedy: Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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@WhatevaConc: When complaining of a stomach ache, you don't really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
@chimneyspotter: [creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?
@ambamthankyamam: My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English".