@_youhadonejob1: Took me ages.
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@bazlyons: [strip to the waist for my fight club debut] Opponent: "dude they meant the top half" *walks away* [I claim victory and retire undefeated]
@TweetPotato314: Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour. Boss: Need a new battery? Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
@GrantTanaka: *sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO