Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Every haunted house movie:
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct