@michaelianblack: Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
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@iwearaonesie: wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it! me *runs in* wife: Did you get it!? me [has no idea wtf she's talking about] Yep
@simoncholland: You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don't have to fill out a form or anything.
@JohnnyNami: "If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn't stop them" I will never lie to my future children.
@aldenskii: *in an interview* Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job. Applicant: 5-7PM po. Me: Applicant: 8PM. Me: