@michaelianblack: Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
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@simoncholland: I'm sorry you're breaking up [static sound] I'm about to go through a tunnel. Dad, we're right in front of you Uh..... go ask your mom.
@KenJennings: You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it "Chumbawumba," right?
@Brianhopecomedy: And the award for Best Actress goes to...*opens envelope*....my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in "Bath Time".
@jjhartinger: Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party Also, I tried Ambien