I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
How it started How it’s going
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].