@Brianhopecomedy: Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, "The M&M's".
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@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
@XplodingUnicorn: My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest. Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
@TheBoydP: Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn't understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex...