Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.