Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.