@joe_binkley: Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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@sucittaM: If my name was Dave I'd text my friends today saying "IT'S FRIDAVE! LET'S PARTY!". They'd be sick of me by Tuesdave.
@TheMichaelRock: Breaking News: Radio Shack is closing 1,100 stores nationwide. Even Breakier News: I can't believe there's 1,100 Radio Shack's.
@rickkondell: Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
@LaceyNycole: *brings donuts to work* Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat. Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.