Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Battery falling down a hole
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……