@joe_binkley: Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise... Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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@MartaEffing: My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, 'that's how many teeth adult humans have'. I sure hope he asks me out again.
@sofarrsogud: ME: Cauliflower is bullshit. EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
@RidiculousSheri: Him: I know your secret Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah? H: You killed someone M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep