Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
This took me a few seconds.. 馃槄
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.