Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Customize Your Wedding.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company