Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
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I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Snapes on a plane.