Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally