took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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(Jupiter –
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week