@: took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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@TweetPotato314: When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
@david8hughes: Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident.
@Moemontes: My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he's talking about my wallet.