Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
yeah not falling for this one
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations