@WilliamAder: Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she "forgot" her wallet.
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@Sassafrantz: [crime scene] photographer: I'm done unless you want another angle or something. detective: let's do a jumping one!
@SteveSuckington: "How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"
@delusions_of: This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I'd love to babysit your kids.