@WilliamAder: Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she "forgot" her wallet.
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@RocketRankoon: *GF walks in dressed up "Who's the babe and what've you done with my gf?" GF: Haha *tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold WHERE IS SHE
@ShockTartBionic: I'm like Jason Bourne, only I'm not looking for exits in each room.. I'm looking for outlets & phone chargers.
@jazmasta: My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That's whey past my bedtime
@TheToddWilliams: [interview] BOSS: How many words can you type a minute? ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean? ME: Well, like for example, pickle