Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me too
Me buying fruit and veg
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit