@WilliamAder: Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she "forgot" her wallet.
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@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have 3 wishes." Ian: "I wish for everyone to be equal." Genie: "Okay. You have no wishes."
@AmericanGent69: Me having sex is like bungee jumping. It's either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured. There is no in between.
@OBiiieeee: one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
@thetits: BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife* CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno "reverse" card* B: SHIT ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*