Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Me if I was a dog
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The Assassin.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!