Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I think about this a lot
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”