Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Oh hi lol