Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.