@RuthePhoenix: Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
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@jonnysun: JESUS: today im going to walk on water JUDAS: NO DONT-- [jesus walks onto ocean. entire ocean turns to wine. all ocean life dies instamtly]
@UncleDuke1969: “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!” “Nope.” “A spider? An aardvark?” “Wrong. It’s a horse.” “Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.