Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.