Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You Might Also Like
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.