@m0mjawn: took the kids to the park so they could beat each other up in the fresh air
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@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter adds an edit button you'll retweet "I like kittens" and ten minutes later it'll say "I drink period blood."
@TragicAllyHere: Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware? Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware? M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!