Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
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Goat cheese is for herders.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours