I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
a badder mouse
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…