*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.