toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.