@fakegoldegg: toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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@randomnloveit: Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don't live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
@longwall26: Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we'll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up Humans: And you will be a loyal friend Cat: hahahaha sure
@djdarrellripley: Me: You're so selfish! Her: I'm selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community. Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason.