toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.