[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
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Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”