Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”