Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button