Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.