Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
You Might Also Like
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
#Caturday
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
that lip filler tho
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.