Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
This is a true ally.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I cannot stop laughing at this
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore