Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
ok this is my dumbest yet
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”