Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
#catsoftwitter
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.