Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
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Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI